Monday, December 21, 2009

Today I might be ... "Debbie Down-er"

So - [for today] I hate my iPhone. It reminded me today at 5am [in alarm form] which I'm quite sure, I just figured out how to set 3 months ago [?] - that today was the day I was due to deliver our second child.

Why is this so hard for me? I was only 9 weeks along. Nothing in comparison to what my sister and a dear friend of mine endured. [Which is why I almost didn't even write this.] I feel like a total wimp.

But feeling like a wimp hasn't stopped me from crying [more times than I'll admit].

I can't help but think of how different my life & way of life would be so different today. goals - natural childbirth [now running a marathon]. bedrooms - baby room [now a spare room]. purse - diaper bag [now designer bag]. etc. etc.

Sorry to be "Debbie Down-er" - I'm really not "down". Emotional? Yep, but I am most days. ;) It's just amazing to me to think of the priorities in my life now compared to what they would have been had I been delivering today. However, as I write this - I am realizing - this "wake up call" was actually a great thing that happened this morning.

Just wish I could tell my phone [should there be a "next time"] - that 5pm works just as well.


8 comments:

Karine said...

It brings me a lot of joy to know that on this day when you are feeling a little "down" you chose to take dinner to your sister who is having her own kind of downer day today. What an example you are of charity at Christmas time.

amyraye said...

hey- if i've learned anything about you in the last 9 months it's this: just because you may have had a baby today DOESN'T mean you wouldn't be running that marathon next month. :)

and also, something else i've learned is that life inside you is life inside you, no matter how long it's there. you have a right to be sad and feel like you missed out. also, the fact that you lost that life on mother's day gives you even greater rights. here's to a much better 2010 for us!

i'm glad you wrote this post. in no way does it mean you are comparing yourself to others; it's how you feel. don't rob yourself of that.

Kevin and Kim Partridge said...

I agree with Amy. It doesn't matter how far along you were. You may have never felt a kick or saw an ultrasound of something that may have resembled a baby, but that was a life that you had created, so I empathize with that stinky feeling of "what if" and not being able to actually live what, even if it was for a short amount of time, you had been planning and looking forward to with great anticipation. I KNOW this feeling and it is super yucky, but you will get through it and I am here to hear about all the nasty reminders that still linger (they will be around for a while).

Angie said...

So sorry. That completely sucks, that's all there is to it. Stupid iphone.

Emz said...

Do I have great family & f r i e n d s or what. I am blessed. thank you. :)

Ourphxsons said...

Em...1st, go freeze something it will make you feel better. 2nd, know that we LOVE you more than words will ever be able to express. 3rd, I believe there is a special place for those of "US" who have lost those sweet little ones before we got to say Hello...are time will come. Now, for ME...not a chance in you know where I'm starting over, those days are LONG GONE, but one day, I'll have my time, and I'll be a better mom, patient and loving and full of piece. You on the other hand, who knows what the Lord has in store for you, that's the great thing about life. We wait and see. Some times it sucks to WAIT and SEE but it always ends up being what we needed! And we promise to be there every step of the way. Love you!!! (ps, maybe you should turn off your phone!?!)

...verifying code now...

Emz said...

Thanks Ang. I love the 1/2/3 of this and that freezing something is first. ;) I love that I have a 4th sister. I love that you actually read and {gasp} comment on these crazy things I write. ILY!

beckus1234 said...

I love you, my dear Emily...