Friday, May 7, 2010

deal. love. run

I ran my first marathon 9.5 years ago. . . Unknowingly, pregnant with my [now] almost 10 year old Peanut. My second marathon came almost 9 years later, in December 2009. I have run three since then.

I cannot remember the moment I first fell in love. (With running, that is. Don't worry Pita. I remember with perfect clarity the orange linen shirt that sealed the deal for me).  Okay, the winks may have melted my heart a little too. Simply put, running has always been a part of who I am. And I think it might be one or all of my [three] sister's fault.



As any youngest child knows, there is a certain amount of worship factor towards older siblings. This idea was confirmed upon trying to wear my sister's way to big for me tops & shoes. And sorry Ann, I do recall trying on your retainer just once or 44 times. Yes, I agree...that is insanely sick and might be close to stalking.


I never stole my sister's retainer. (church donations? Yes. Orthodontic hardware? Never.) But I did think they (and all of their goodies/"Anise Anise" perfume/Duran Duran music/28 boyfriends who each thought they were her "only"/Farrah Faucet hair) walked on water - the hair probably could have after all the hairspray. Okay, never mind, it has nothing to do with my sisters. I'm just grumpy I didn't get to see all of them today [as previously planned].

I Actually blame my love of running, all on my "trials". Call it a coping mechanism - whatever.

Every time life came a knocking - - I went a running. There was just something about that 75 minutes when all that mattered was the polluted wind in my hair and the scorching 105 degree sun on my freckled nose.

Running from trials? Maybe, but I think not.

Each time I returned home, I felt renewed. I remember being 19 years old living with my parents over college summer break and having my mom say to me [on a "rest day"], "go running Em". "Just go, you'll come back feeling better." Taaa - Daaa! Like magic. Or maybe, like a MOM, she was right.

So some may say [and trust me they HAVE SAID] this is not a good way of "dealing" with an issue[s]. To which I say, "hey, cheaper than therapy".

 
* * If I lose you here I completely understand . . . my blog....my rant...my need to vent [may be a bit too personal for some]. * *


Sunday [yes, Mother's day] marks the day I lost my [unborn] second child. Now, let me first say that I am child-like in my emotions. Meaning . . heart on sleeve. Thin candy-like shell with chocolate molten lava ready to spew out at any moment. Yes, I've been called "dramatic" by  friends others. Call it what you will. I call it "emotional". I was hurt devastated. This child had been dreamed of for years. years on end. I DO realize many people go through similar situations [much, much harder {way harder} situations] daily, and deal better than me. I didn't deal. Not "well" anyway.


So. I. ran.  Ever since the day I was given the "go ahead" from my doctor.

 
So. I. run.

 
I deal how I deal. And to Dr. Phil's question . . "How's that workin' out fer ya?".






excellent.






freaking excellent.

24 comments:

Pam said...

Oh, Em. :( I'm so sorry for your loss. And for its anniversary to come on Mother's Day...

wow.

I'm SO sorry.

Sarah said...

That's terrible! So hard when holidays remind you of bad times. :(

I understand how an outlet helps, only it's not running for me. It's playing a crazy fast song on the piano or belting out opera. I feel better afterwards.

I hope this Mother's Day will have some tender mercies for you. :) Christmas is a bad time for me. Actually, pretty much the whole month of December. Worst trial of my life happened then and I try every year not to be in a bad mood.

Happy Feet 26.2 said...

I'm so sorry. I hope you will find a way to make this Mother's Day special, sounds like a run should be in the plan. Thankfully, I haven't had any MAJOR life events, but I do have many daily emotions and small life trials to work through, and yes, I do that "on the run."

I hope you find peace this Mother's Day.

Carrie said...

Run, Forest! RUN!!!

Not to sound cheesy. But if it's working now, do it. You can deal with issues in time. Live in the NOW.

Mel-2nd Chances said...

Oh wow, so sorry to read this, but I'm with ya on the 'cheaper than therapy' bit. I understand that, and am happy after a lifetime of hating running, that I've found it as a way to manage stress, after what doctors figured was stress-induced epilepsy haunting my life again after being dormant for 18+ years. Happy Mother's Day to you.

MCM Mama said...

{{HUGS}} Running is my escape as well. And the pain of a lost child (or children) stays even when subsequent children have arrived. So, know that there are others out here who know your pain and run for the same reasons and understand what your day will feel like.

Hope you have a wonderful run on that day.

Barefoot AngieB said...

Running is THE best therapy I have ever found. People think we run away but instead what we are really doing is running towards peace and understanding and a release.

I am so so very sorry for the loss of your second child. I have lost a babe at 14 weeks pregnant and it was so very hard.

Keep runnin mama and I hope this weedend is peaceful for you and if not that it flys by! Hang in there as you are not alone.

Karine said...

May all the tender mercies you so richly deserve fill your heart this weekend and forever.

Also, so you know.... being "emotional" is a positive trait--embrace it.

Marlene said...

There are so many things I don't know about you, but I am learning as you open up. I'm sure tomorrow will be a difficult day for you. RUN IT OUT! Sending {hugs} your way.

Velma said...

I am so sad for your loss. I do hope you can have a good Mother's Day - you deserve it.

Aimee (I Tri To Be Me) said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what that must have been like for you, and I am so sorry. Although I have not gone through what you went through, I know all too well about running being a way to deal with things. It is our outlet, our peace, our time to wrap our mind around things, a time for ourselves, a time to just be.

The Kornegay Family said...

Sorry I didn't get to see you either today . . . we'll try again soon!

Remember, it is okay to be sad when thinking about your miscarriage, no matter how long ago it's been. Tears are healing . . . promise.

Love you!

Teamarcia said...

Oh Em I'm so so sorry. My heart breaks for you and all of us who've been devastated by the loss of a child. you are so not alone. Mine son was due on Christmas of all days but was born in late August so so long ago. I say run and let that healing wind blow though your hair.
XOXO

Anne said...

Very sorry for your loss... keep running...hugs ((()))

Kelly Leigh said...

First of all - you stole church donations?! SO funny. and I thought I was bad. I would always change the lyrics to the hymns to inappropriate things and sing them to my sisters...

Secondly, I'm really sorry about you guys losing your second baby. I hope someday you can make your family as big as you want it to be. I know running helps you deal, but don't forget that even if we are naughty church goers, I still think the big man is keeping an eye out for us!

Oh and Happy Mother's day! I hope Peanut does something extra special for you!

Lisbet said...

Hope your Mother's Day is good despite everything...no way are you overly emotional! Love that youre 1st marathon was also completed with your peanut :-)

Kevin and Kim Partridge said...

I'd like to copy and paste EXACTLY what the "Kornegay Family" said.

budget menu lady said...

There are no words...just know that you are being thought of. When I miscarried our third child it took me a long time to be okay with being sad about it. For some reason I felt that I had to act as though it was nothing to get through other people being uncomfortable with the situation when talking to me about it. Silly of me...now I know it's okay to be upset and sad about such things openly. You never forget, but time does take some of the sting away.

RunningLaur said...

What a wonderfully written post.
I hope you'll be able to spend this Mother's Day surrounded by the wonderful family members that you can, and feeling loved.

文君 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Evolving Through Running said...

Very touching post - thank you for sharing. I'm glad that you've got running to help smooth out the rough edges. Sometimes it's good for the body to control the mind, rather than the other way around. Keep running and keep smiling.

Big Daddy Diesel said...

Everyone has their outlets. We just use fitness as ours. And personally, I think we have the best outlet, its me versus myself.

Megan said...

That's a tough one. I know it all to well. I'm sorry for your pain.
That's the thing about running. Putting it all out there on the road (or mill).

Angie said...

Yup-(insert tough gal chest pound here)I think I'll go run now.