Tuesday, November 16, 2010

"I Will Survive" - Gloria Gaynor

I think there are layers of "hell" .  [Sorry Mom, I mean  H  E double hockey sticks].  But for purposes of this post.  It's just hell.  One size does not fit "all".  I think Hobby Lobby is in the sixth ring.  Wal-mart is in the eighth.  Now, Home Depot . . . the first ring for sure.  Now as far as I know, there are ten rings of hell but should I somehow discover a worse place that HD . . . there could actually be more.

[I'll do the layers of heaven post another day, yes, of course, there is one.]


I will only set foot in Home Depot if:

* I have a photo of what I need.  [thank you iPhone]
* I have a recorded message of the Pita talking that I can play to the HD ass[ociate] to better explain what i/we/HE needs. [thank you iPhone]
* I am promised a chicken burro enchilada style [from Carolina's] on our return trip home.
* I am picking out a Christmas tree.
* It is the Pita's birthday.  The man likes power tools [to sit in the garage].
* If the Pita is home taking a sick [fake cough, fake cough] day and has a sprinkler related emergency and I must go.

It all happened so fast . . . such a blur. 

Pita"EM, you need to go . . now . . go get your crusty Runner, runner, runner shirt on and go, go go!"
Me: but I need a photo, a voice memo, something in writing.....a prozac, midol, something!!

[he's not laughing.]

Pita:  "Em, you've freaking got this!" [looks up winks.]

[happy me.....heeeeheeeheee someone's been reading my blog.]

His phone rings.  work people.  yikes.  not now --- I need better details.  He tells them to hold. 

Pita:  Em, it's like this but not this.  It's a 90 degree angle but one side screws, this side [points] not this side, it needs to be 1/2" this side, 3/4" this side.  got it?

[angry face]

Me:  No, wait but . . .fine whatever.  Answer your phone I'll be calling.
Pita:  Smiles. [smiles big . . whaaa, huh? why you so happy?!]

I get there grab the arm of the first orange apron.  sprinklers/plumbing whatever.  Please help now.  I hate it here.
[long boring, attempt at funny, not entertained but I smile and act interested and laugh.  he grabs a phone and called "associate in plumbing to front of row 11".

[five minutes that felt like 17]

I meet "Nick".  Nick is not helpful.  Nick keeps looking at me like I'm stupid.  Fine, I'm a stupid HD girl, I'm totally okay with that just help me!

Nick:  blah blah you can't have both 1/2 & 3/4 AND one smooth side and one threaded side in a 90 degree.

Meplease hold.  call Pita. no answer.  again.  no answer.

Nick: [still talking nonsense....hands me one]  I think this is it but it might not be it.

Me:  [deep cleansing breath].  Nick, you've been great.  Which ones might it be?  I'll but any it might be and return all the others.

Nick:  man, you really do hate it here. 
[big smile from me]
Me:  The hugest understatement ever.

I return home to find the Pita done.  Like done with the problem.

Pita:  man, that took a while.  I found a spare in the garage, sorry.  What did you buy?  Holy crap, that's a full bag.

Rule #944:  never be lured into doing something you don't want to do by a wink from your man.  He's crafty.  He'll sort it out without you.

What/where is your LEAST favorite place to do/go?

71 comments:

Lindsay and James Cotter said...

haha, I can totally relate! I think walmart is up there on my list. Hobby lobby is a close 2nd!

ShutUpandRun said...

I've got to agree with you. I hate the Depot. We used to go as kids, but then it was called Hechingers. I hated it then too except when my brother and I crawled into the rolls of carpet and hid from my parents and then probably got spanked. Whatever.

I also don't like those Nepalese shops that smell like incense and sell really weird stuff. We have many of those in Boulder.

The Kornegay Family said...

Aw, come on Em, I don't mind HD for the most part. I get to walk around and dream up ideas . . . that I will never get around to doing in my house.

The worst place ever to go is SAS, I had nightmares when I was a little girl having had to go there often, it seemed, with mom and Grandma Allen. Can't even tell you if it is still around, I have no desire to even ask about it! :)

JenniferLeah said...

awww. he had you at "Em, you've freaking got this"
nice attempt, well done. bravo girl :)

hmmmm.where do i hate to go? ANY kind of store the day after Thanksgiving. all set with THAT

abbi said...

Ha - love this. Totally been in the same situation. Luckily, my gopher status has been revoked due to the large number of errors.

TMB @ RACING WITH BABES said...

Hilarious. I hate Connecticut. Well, at least driving through it. I try to avoid it at all costs.

Jason said...

I am doubled over in laughter and tears right now. I am not the handiest person so when I go to THD (It is THE home depot - used to be an acct and I would get corrected all the time.)....anyway I go there and do what you just did...fill up a bag and get home to work on project. Get done in 5 minutes after 12 hours of trying to figure it out and then look at the full bag and hate THD even more b/c now I have to go back to return stuff.

I hate going to get my oil changed. Those guys try to sell me on everything and I tell them no and sure enough 1 month later I need whatever they were trying to sell.

Remember I'm not handy...that is why I run.

Emz said...

K Fam -- SAS. Now, I loved THAT store. NO WAY! I'm in shock.

Abbi - love that. I need more errors. ;) as if. ;)

JL - the man knows how to work me over.

SU&R - guilty. carpet rolls rock. so did clothiing rounders. Until the lady with the bad breath would pull me out and drag me to my mom.

Laurie said...

Never been to a Hobby Lobby, sounds like I'm missing out... I would definitely move Wal-mart up a couple levels though, I despise that place, followed closely by Ross and The Dollar Store and JoAnn Fabrics, all coincidently favorites of my mother-in-law.

Emz said...

Laurie - hilarious [coincidently MIL's favorites]. I love Ross and the $ store though. no joke.

Jason - love the "not handy..why I run" comment. can I second that for me?! It's worth a try.

Big Daddy Diesel said...

I HATE going into a Bath and Body Works, or whatever it is called, I must have sucker written on my forehead, because soon as i begrudgingly enter one, i am swarmed by associates telling me i need to but 10 because if i buy ten its on sale, blah, blah, blah

Emz said...

BDD - I'd pay $100 for a photo. Of you. In. bath & body works. No. Joke.

Melissa said...

I hate going after stuff for the hubby too. I never get the right thing.

I'm thinking you should have shown HD man your abs. That would have gotten you better help. Just sayin'

Docrunner @Tri2Thrive said...

Have you tried Lowe's?

Only men understand the need and the appeal of spending $200 on power tools needed to spend 3 days in the garage turning $10 of wood or metal into a part or item that costs $2 in the store

Shawn said...

Too funny...wish I could get that much help with a wink.

I cannot stand running into the grocery store at lunch to grab something quick. Usually all of SUAR' posse (retiree's...no offense, just an observation) are there shopping with 3 articles in their carts that they could have got at anytime of the day.....and to boot, they put the slowest person in the world on 8 items or less line...yikessss

Jason said...

I learned it at an early age. My dad would say it's time to mow the lawn and I would run away. My wife now says to me can you fix the dishwash.... and I'm out the door in my running clothes and it seems like I just changed in a phone booth like Superman b/c I was just wearing jeans and button down.

Use it.....let's see how well it works for you.

BDD is correct. You walk in there (I had to the wife sent me in for our Open House) and I walked out with about 10 of those smelly things. Got home and calculated the frustration and time to actually calculate if I saved money and I wound up spending more. Live and learn.

Emz said...

Docrunner - lowes. I must say. Is better. But it's an additional 4-5 miles away. Hey, maybe if I run there it'd feel better?!

Carrie said...

I've got a huge grin on my face from reading this blog and all of the comments. I can make any place SOME WHAT fun... but my "H377" would have to be the DMV!!! My birthday is in August, so when my license expires I find myself spending at LEAST 2 hours elbow to elbow with eager teenagers with their learner's permit from drivers ed. Do I need to mention how this place smells, in the SUMMER?

Jamoosh said...

I hate going to the other side of the freeway - it sucks throbbing animal appendages.

Matty O said...

Alright, I HEART HD. NEVER speak ill mouthed of my place of homage!

Wal Mart is by far my number 1 store to LOATHE! I can save $100 a day, WILL NOT GOOOOOO! Blood is boiling as I type this, sorry I am not typing, I am pounding on the keys!!!

That being said H and I both actually like the hobby lobby. Maybe because it's new by us but we have gotten some crazy steals from there and no one is ever there :)

Yes, I go to hobby lobby with the Mrs. She in turn has to HD with me though.

Slomohusky said...

doc runner is spot on. running is a cheaper hobby and more practical than power tools. reason why pita did not go himself? - did he have a fever? maybe pita should start running with ya instead of power tools the garage? lowes is the better option.

Marlene said...

Yikes - I will NOT go to HD alone. I get totally lost in there and can never find what I need. Except the paint department... I like buying paint!

Emz said...

MO- really?! Love it?! Uggg. H. Is a total keeper.

Jess @ Blonde Ponytail said...

Love your blog! And, thank you for the follow. I'm going to have to say Safeway grocery stores at 5 p.m. on a week day...chaos! Too many peeps for me!!

Colleen said...

Oh my God, I totally had this incident happen the other day, but it was Lowes and hubby "needed" a nail gun. And nails that go with it. I finally gave up and flat our said to the Lowes guy "I'm totally going to be a girl and have you help me". :) Luckily I knew hubby didn't have one at home so this was a good purchase!

aron said...

i HATE that place too! even when i go with the husband. ekkk no thanks, i will wait in the car.

Rae said...

PITA should have called you and told you that he fixed it. Men! :) Now he owes you dinner at that restaurant for sure!

Emz said...

Rae- I'm liking how you think. Awesome. Done.

Still Running said...

I hate the Running Room store two blocks from my house. They hate me too. I never come out with what I went in for. I'll read about some fantastic product on a blog (Nuun was the latest) and they look at me with pity cuz, since they don't have it, it's a figment of my imagination.

Kelly Leigh said...

haha this is funny to me since we're DIYing like crazy. I have been known to tell nick that the only place he ever takes me is B&Q, and that doesn't count as a date. I also really hate hookah lounges.

Andrew Opala said...

My wife loves HD ... I wonder if that washroom appliances are the reason!

You are such a trooper ... and I have to go and apologize to my wife now because I have sent her on these Holy Quests as well - and she has shined brightly I might add. Except for that time when the guy in the tool section didn't know what a "nail set" was - and then it was only cleared up because I called it a "nail punch" somewhere in the conversation.

You are cool EMZ - however the stress you feel - well I feel this when my wife sends me for "feminine products" at the local drug store. SQUIRM BABY SQUIRM!!!!

Pam said...

BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! This is one of my favorite posts. Hilarious!

And totally the way I feel about my hometown Kroger. Not ALL Krogers. Just this one.

Docrunner @Tri2Thrive said...

My LEAST fav places to go?

Anyplace that does not begin with "http://www. "

Melissa Cunningham said...

lol!!!! your hubs sounds like mine!!! he is Mr fix it handy man,and when he sends me to get him stuff that i dont know about...wow,i go through the 10 rings of hell as well. most of the time i get the wrong thing initially,but have learned over the years that when in doubt,buy every thing that looks like the thing he needs,theres always always that 1 in 27 chance that out of the 27 things i purchased for him,i found the right one he needs...
and then i make HIM go take all the stuff he didnt use back at lowes or home depot or wherever...
lol!

Patrick Mahoney said...

I can see that happening. Funny. My least favorite place to go is the airport, but only on the way in. Once I'm in (or leaving) I'm fine.

Lesley @ racingitoff.com said...

I'm with you. I HATE Home Depot... I never know what I'm asking for, and I feel like an idiot... same as taking in a car to be fixed... ugh. I don't like feeling like an idiot... not my forte!

Teamarcia said...

I'll only go to HD if I can stay out in the parking lot (that gets waaaay bigger during the growing season) and select shrubs.

Emz said...

Patrick - really?! airport. well I can see hating it up until after all my items are taken from me by the TSA. uggg.

Melissa - love your comment. true. true. he will do returns!!

Andrew -HIL-ARIOUS.

Doc - I'm with ya. love www.[anything shopping] :)

Julie @ Hotlegs Runner said...

But I love going to home depot. LOL! but i hate going to the post office. 0_0

ShebaJC said...

Pita definitely owes you dinner! We call it The Homeless Despot around here, and I don't mind it as I'm a "dream of projects" kinda girl. The place I avoid most is the mall. Too expensive, and the closest one is like 20 miles away.

Emz said...

ShebaJC - love your name for HD. I'm stealing that!! ;)

Shellyrm said...

the mall.

i don't really like to shop.

I know what I need, I have a list. I don't need 36 stores full of other things to browse through. I want to get in and out and done.

this applies to grocery stores too. I do not like shopping at stores.

I didn't get that gene. thanks mom!

Adrienne said...

My hubby is a "master plumber" --literally has his license. Got it at the same time as that college degree thing. He only hates going to HD when the sales people try to tell him how to do plumbing stuff, because they usually don't know what they are talking about -according to him.

Place I hate--Cabela's (just slash my wrists instead)

Allison said...

I.heart.HD... I know it's terrible...but I found a new love for the store when I bought my house as a single chick. The HD {ass}ociates where most helpful (probably b/c I looked WAY confused and they knew I was a SUCKER and would SPEND WAY TOO MUCH!!!!

You make me laugh :)

Allison said...

I.heart.HD... I know it's terrible...but I found a new love for the store when I bought my house as a single chick. The HD {ass}ociates where most helpful (probably b/c I looked WAY confused and they knew I was a SUCKER and would SPEND WAY TOO MUCH!!!!

You make me laugh :)

Emz said...

Adrienne. You'll wish you'd never told me that. Now I'm going to offer him jobs at my 1970's remodeled home w/it's original plumbing. ;)

momof3 said...

ROFL!!! I love your blog EMZ, I do... it ALWAYS makes me smile, even when it's being "serious."

And I'm PRETTY sure that CT (yes the WHOLE state) is the 7th ring...

Anne said...

Laughing to myself again as I read your blog (and comments). :) :)

April said...

So funny!! I hate to admit though, I love home depot....J, not so much. All of the tools in our garage actually belong to me.

Sarah said...

Mine isn't a physical place. It's on the phone with Verizon - truly Hell.

Karen said...

Awww I LOVE Hobby Lobby! LOL

I do agree with you about Wal Mart and Home Depot, though...I try to avoid both as much as I can! :0)

DRog said...

hahahaha
yep - hate HDS and that describes every experience!
He will manage w/o you - was lol hes beeen reading your blog - haha

D

ps-
the TSA took my snow sand globe presents from Venice Beach yesterday for my 3 girsl - rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Emz said...

DRog - no freaking way!! I tried bringing peanut a snow globe back from Chicago and had it nicked by tsa. Made me sooooooo mad!!! Ugg. I'm getting mad again just typing this!!!

Molly said...

I HATE going to my husband's Aunt's House. She has 3 cats, and five minutes after I cross the threshold, I'm a wheezing, sneezing, puffy, wanting to pull my eyeballs out of their sockets itchy. We go for Easter and Thanksgiving, which for this year, I put my foot down, I'M cookin' the bird.

ajh said...

I like to carry the actual item with me. Even a photo doesn't work!

Char said...

I CANNOT go into any hardware store with my husband - ever!! Or a plant nursery! Or even just shopping in general. But he is good to have coffee with.

Angie Bee said...

I don't like HD for political reasons but I love Menards and Lowes and Southerlands.
I have never been in a Kmart that had what I needed.....I am not a fan of my father in laws house. His wife is nice enough but she smokes and has too many animals. We only go there maybe once a year but its not my favorite.

Jill said...

I would have to say Walgreens has to rank right up there on my list of high hates! That place smells grotesque and it's full of 90 year olds. Guess what??? They just tore down the Shell gas station, where I always bought my gas, and are now putting in the god-awful Walgrees there - right on the corner before you turn into my neighborhood. Time to get up the for sale sign!!!

Aimee said...

Ha ha..that is hilarious!! I actually like HD though. I think my husband and I are there every weekend! :)

Walmart on the other hand...ughhh! Why do they have 30 check-out lines but only 2 that are open? I hate going there!

XLMIC said...

This really had me laughing!

I freakin' HATE going to the post office with my kids. WithOUT them, it is barely tolerable. WITH them... what was that you said? "Pencils in my eyes"?

Her Name is Rio said...

Why didn't PITA call you when he was done? Especially knowing how much you like HD, otherwise known in our house as "dome depot" from the Simpson's movie. Grrrr.

Emz said...

HNIR - ahhhhh. If I only had a good answer to your great question.

Jill - you are sooooo right. How have I never realized THAT smell was from the looming 90 year olds?!? Enjoy your new greens'. ;)

Angie b. I must know the political reasoning. I need another reason to hate it.

MCM Mama said...

I hate Home Depot. Hate.It.

Luckily we have a local hardware store that would actually understand the description you gave and give you the right thing. I just have to walk in the door, someone runs right up to me, I tell them what I'm trying to do/fix, they give me the correct item. No fuss, no muss, time for Starbucks on the way home LOL.

Zaneta said...

hahaha! You sound like my twin (my real twin) she hates going to lowes! I always liked going there when we were younger and play house in all the bathroom and kitchen set-ups...

I dont like going into GNC... I always just want to look around but I always feel stupid and the person working can never just leave me to myself, they have to follow me around everywhere and ask questions and tell me about all the latest products... I just want to look thanks!

Lee said...

I know someone else who always says H-E- double hockey sticks - my kids thought she was nuts the first time they heard that! I do like to go to HD but never to pick up something my DH has asked me to - I inevitably get it wrong - groan

AM-GoalsfortheWeek said...

first off...holy freakin' 65 comments!! Good Lord!

and I sooo agree w/you and the HD. I really do wish I liked it there more. I'd feel so, so resourceful and useful if I only actually liked dealin' w/all that stuff!!

Jeff - DangleTheCarrot said...

Wow! This one actually happened to Annie and me too. Freezing pipes - sprinklers break - water shooting in the air - send Annie to Home Depot - I fix it by the time she returned. Pretty much the exact same series of events. She hates HD too.

Emz - I hate HATE the mall. Any of them. I hate the bottle necked roads that lead to heinously designed parking lots. I hate that no matter what store I need to go to I always park on the other side of the mall -- I am convinced stores move as I approach. I hate the people in the kiosks trying to get me to sample whatever shit they are pedaling. "Leave me alone - my iphone already has a cover - leave me alone!!!" I hate the crowds of people walk entirely too slow and like 5 people across because they have nothing else better to, well I do so get the hell out of my way! I hate that no matter what time of day it is that the Chick-Fil-a ALWAYS has a long ass line. I HATE THE MALL!

Silly Girl Running said...

I lived in NYC for a while - a couple of years ago (before moving back to Holland), and was forced to pay HD a visit to buy new curtains. Never, ever, will I go there again!

The Hungry Runner Girl said...

Girl you are hilarious!! "crusty running shirt" ha!! I hate home depot too! Good call to only go if you have a photo of what you need!! I hate hate hate going to wallmart! It is a complete mad house!

Emz said...

Jeff- I'm officially scared you are the pita's long lost brother.

Candice @ I Have Run said...

Home Depot is right there in my layers of hell as well. Even as cute as it sounds to hear my girl call it "the lawn mower store," I can't stand the place. And men just can't understand how we can't just love the place.

And for the record, Wal-Mart is probably in the fifth or sixth ring for me.

Dang those men and their winks ;)