Friday, December 17, 2010

"boys, boys, boys"- lady gaga

Email from the Pita this morning.

so I'm posting the photo he didn't want me to.  ahhhhhh revenge.

Take that.

Here's the email:

*How do you turn a fox into an elephant?


Marry her! [he. is. dead.]



*What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.



What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Television

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman



*What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.


*If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

Made her chain too long.



*How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.



*Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.



*Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.



*How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'



*How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.



*Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.



*If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. [I'm changing the locks on the doors]



*What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.



*I married my 'Miss Right'.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.



*Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% ..

it's called a Wedding Cake.



*Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.


*Women will never be equal to men ..

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy

HAPPY FRIDAY!

68 comments:

Karen R said...

I like the jokes! Thanks for the laughs :)

Oh, and I have large feet - does that mean that I don't have to do dishes?? :)

Love the picture! Cutest couple EVER!

Andrew Opala said...

Awesome!

I've got cramps in my lungs from laughing so much!

Karine said...

Sweet! Even better that Pita will be outnumbered 5 to 1 in a few short days. (He's lucky both your dogs are MALE.)

Emz said...

Karen r. Yes. No. Dishes. For. You!!

Andrew. Stop. Laughing.

Mom. YTB. You bet cha. He's. Going. Down. ILY.

Jamoosh said...

Hey, the Pita doesn't look like he's from Australia!

Jen said...

I know I shouldn't laugh at those jokes, but seriously... they are so funny! I needed that laugh this morning! Thanks!

Emz said...

mooshy - you. freaking. rock. NOW THAT, my friend.......is funny.

Meg said...

Grrr, those "funny" emails from my husband last about one second on my computer and then I push DELETE and pretend I never got it!! They think they are SO funny...great payback with the photo though. I'll try to have a few paybacks like that ready for the next email!

Molly said...

It's wrong, but I think I have to send this to my husband.

: )

Shellyrm ~ just a country runner said...

...they can't build up the required pressure! heehee

That's a new one for me. so funny.

I love the photo. What was he thinking?!?!?!

Have a great weekend.

Bethany + Ryan said...

great picture. i laughed out loud at your comment on my post. I agree, it was rather brave of me to admit that...

RunningLaur said...

Revenge deserved!

Shawn said...

I think the "PITA" will be an hors d'oeuvre if he's not careful.

Have a nice weekend...Bon Appitit

Big Daddy Diesel said...

Oh my, I feel a 2 sizes too small "Emz is my wife" hot pink tye dye shirt under the tree for Pita this year, thats if someone lets him in the house.

SteveQ said...

Wow, he sent those to you knowing you'd have the last word (okay, last 2000 words)!

Jennifer said...

Ha ha, Funny! Bad! Funny! Bad... Great revenge!

Kovas Palubinskas said...

1. Pita is funny.
2. Is Pita wearing spotted arm warmers?

Happy Feet 26.2 said...

yep ...."dead meat"

oh - loved the skirt review - I'm will check it out. I haven't found one that's good for over 5-6 miles, but I have thigh/hip issues (they are too large, urgh)

absolutely, 100%, DO NOT EVER, EVER sign up for a non I-Pod race. You would HATE it as much as I did. :)

Petraruns said...

That photo is TOO nice of him. Haven't you got anything more embarassing?

He's a brave man.. Foolhardy is more accurate..

Christi said...

Okay, those are funny! Thanks for making my Friday!

C2Iowa said...

Still laughing and cannot stop.

It is prob'ly wrong but ---- still laughing!

Colleen said...

He totally deserved to be photo posted on your blog... you just didn't make the picture big enough!

misszippy said...

You made the right move...

Julie said...

I HAD to pass those on to the husband. I'm sure his day will be much more cheerful now :-)

racing dawn said...

aaaahhh pita...that's what happens, you set yourself up...

but really those are pretty funny...

love the pic, no birds flyin this time tho. huh.

JenniferLeah said...

so if you are 8' tall PITA must be close to 12' tall. dang.

Ummmm. does he know he has a fox??

thanks for the laughs :) the wedding cake one is great!

Hannah said...

Haha!

You two are a seriously hot couple! Rawr!

XLMIC said...

Is it bad that I laughed really hard at that email?

"if he treated me more like a thoroughbred, I wouldn't be such a nag." Learned that one just last night.

Marlene said...

That is a GREAT photo!!

Thanks for the giggles. :)

Rad Runner said...

telawoman?
bahhhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Pam said...

And one of my dad's favorites...

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing. You've already told her twice.

Tom said...

Only a woman got get away with posting such brutal jokes about women! Those are pretty funny.

Emz said...

Tom. Yes. Take note. A man cannot post this. ;)

Pam. That one was included. I deleted it too funny. :) not to get all serious..... :s
I volunteer w/a domestic violence shelter & while some of the others [jokes] were equally bad.....that one was a bit too vivid for me.

RR - seriously. That. One. Was. My. Fav. It is kinda true. :)

Melissa Cunningham said...

oh! thank you for the laughing out loud! i hate to do it,but i may have to send my husband that email!

just curious to see how long pita can last in the doghouse!

:)

Sarah said...

I have the sudden urge to shave my head.

Jason said...

Give Pita a break would ya? He has his arm around you and that is after the rock incident....that is a great man.

And you know you laughed at the jokes especially:

*Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Karen is getting this one sent to her.

Evolving Through Running said...

Wow. Pita is equal parts brave and funny. I think I laughed at those more than I should have. "Because they want to" .... too funny.

Aimee said...

I have to admit, some of those were pretty funny! And, I love the picture of you two!

Teamarcia said...

OMG these are classics!

Angie Bee said...

those are really really funny! My hubby will appreciate them for sure!
That picture is frakkin CUTE!!!

Mooshy is funny too!

Adrienne said...

"If at once you don't succeed...........try doing it the way your wife told you to in the first place."

:)

Emz said...

Adrienne. thank. you. I'd also like to insert something about asking for directions too, please.

ShutUpandRun said...

Does PITA have heels on?

trifitmom said...

pain in the ass

Emz said...

SUAR - see why I rarely take mine off?! Dang race day.
I'm doing a 5k in heels after Boston. You want to organize it? ;)

TriFitmom- you. Nailed. It.

Kate said...

Bahahaha. Funny jokes. Even though I should be offended they crack me up! Same with blonde jokes.

Andrew Opala said...

Ok ... I'm back for a few more ... my wife is making the "o-face" but it's the bad "o-face" ... so these must be good in a nasty way!!!!

Thanks EMZ!

Emz said...

O. What. Face. Would. That. Be? ;)

One Crazy Penguin said...

That'll teach him.....sadly these made me fall on the floor laughing. Is that a bad thing?

Char said...

So if you have big feet and are pregnant there's absolutely no way you can do dishes.

Tortuga_Runner said...

hilarious. my husband thinks he's funny when he emails me $hi+ like this. I'm with you on changing the locks :)

Jill said...

Well, I can see why you must wear 10" heels now :). You'll have to give me lessons on how to wear those - when we meet to run a marathon!!! Or a 50! And we will. In 2011!

DRog said...

Telawoman! haha

I can't "afford" the "cold shoulder" so this will not make it as a fwd to my wife...cmon' it IS a wknd night 2nite :-)

D

Emz said...

DRog. Hilarious. Well played. And you have your 15. In. The. Bag. Life. Is. Good.

Jill. Tell. Me. Where. I. Am. Soooooo there.

Lindsay and James Cotter said...

so how tall is he?! Aren't you ridiculously tall too? Wow, love that height!
And thanks for the laughs. My hubs is very amused. :)
LC

Kelsey: the Blonde Bullet said...

Hah. That email would make me mad too. However I LOVE the payback. Brilliant idea.

Detroit Runner said...

Great Jokes. I'll keep them to myself to remain married! LOL

Raegun said...

I think you need to return the favor.

What do you a call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
3. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How do you keep a man from reading your email?
Rename the file "instruction manuals"

Silly Girl Running said...

Well, at least now I know why you married the Pita. ;) He's funny, you've got to agree with that. ;)

Caratunk Girl said...

Glad you have photographic evidence of him wearing the shirt! And I am NOT showing this to my man John.

Barbie said...

Thankyou for a great laugh. I especially liked this one:

*Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

MelBird said...

Either you're really small or that is one BIG Kiwi!

Jess @ Blonde Ponytail said...

hahahaha!!

FABULOUS PICTURE!!! Your abz are killer EMZ!

PITA is really short...must be standing on stairs or something. Is he okay with you being taller than him? ;)

MCM Mama said...

Hilarious!

Thx for sharing the picture too!

Jenn said...

Oh God. My husband would be totally enjoying long showers if he sent me that email.....

Nice revenge!

Washboard!!

Emz said...

MelBird. One. Huge. Kiwi. For. Sure.

Matty O said...

Best post ever. ALL TRUE.

PITA wins best blog material of the year.

Adam said...

LOL. I think that me and PITA would get along GREAT.