Tuesday, December 28, 2010

"Drive" - Incubus

Fast check-in.

busy.
busy.

this is for all my awesome people coming to the Rock-N-Roll Marathon here on 1.16.11

HOW TO DRIVE IN PHOENIX‏:


1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: FEE-NICKS'.  There are other names to learn such as Awatukee (Ah-wa-Too-Kee) but that will be included in the advanced course.
 
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday afternoon.
 
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number. Anything less is considered 'Wussy'.
 
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
 
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.  Red lights and STOP signs are merely suggestions.
 
 6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.
 
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. The detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.  Cones are there to test slalom skills.
 
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.
 
 
 
9. Other things to know:


* Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the '10' are the same road unless it's the part of the I17 that is also called the Maricopa Freeway.

* SR202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY unless it's east of the 101 and then it becomes the SanTan, then it ends, and then becomes the SanTan again.

* SR 143 is a street AND a freeway at the same time. Either way, it's the Hohokam Expressway.

* No one really knows what purpose SR153 has exactly.

* SR51 has been called both the Squaw Peak Freeway and Piestewa Freeway. Depends who's talking to you.

* US60 on the east side is the Superstition Freeway. On the west side it's a diagonal road with lots of traffic lights that's best avoided altogether.

* Sometimes you'll hear things on the traffic reports that refer to 'the inner loop.' No one (besides traffic reporters) ever called anything in Phoenix by that name. Matter of fact, I'm not sure where that is exactly.

* Dunlap and Olive are the same street.

* Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street.

* SR 101 is the Pima FWY east of I-17, which is the Black Canyon FWY (south of the 101, north of the 101 it is Veterans Memorial HWY) unless you are south of the 202 then the 101 becomes the Price FWY. SR 101 west of I-17 (at all times) is the Agua Fria FWY.

* No one is quite sure where Bethany's Home is.

* Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd, but Cactus Rd doesn't become Thunderbird Rd because it dead ends at a mountain.
 
10. If someone in a Toyota or Honda actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated'....they never use them on purpose.  Ever.
 
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off' accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
 
12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.
 
13. It's a sport to make a yellow light from at least 500 feet away.

55 comments:

DRog said...

You had me at "Fast" :)

D

Aimee said...

This was hilarious and soo true!
That last comment about the pot holders totally cracked me up! When I lived in Tucson, I burned my fingers all the time on my steering wheel in the summer!

p.s. are we still trying to do a meet-up before the marathon??

Rose said...

I remember all the road construction and traffic when I drove out for the Nathan Tri last year. We even hit traffic at 3am!

Kovas Palubinskas said...

No comment today since the post is "for all my awesome people coming to the Rock-N-Roll Marathon."

Carly said...

LOL! That is great...My inlaws are there now and I can just see them getting flipped off every time they get in the car.

obxbchgrl said...

No offense, Emz. But I'm never coming to Phoenix. I thought the summer crazy tourons were bad enough here on the Outer Banks, I couldn't stand to drive in your hood. Cause I would definitely shoot someone.

Run on.

ROFL about the potholders. I might have to try that next summer!+

ShutUpandRun said...

Oh how I wish I was coming to Phoenix. Not just to sleep on one of the mattresses on the side of the road or to wear my oven mitts from the kitchen into car, but to see you KILL it on 1.16.

Emz said...

Kovas- not my fault YOU are a PP. Party pooper.

Aimee-yes. Email me so we can plan!! I'm just unsure as to when you all are flying in. :) thanks!!
Queenofjean at gmail.

Emz said...

SUAR. Day. Made. Wish you were coming!!!

Jess @ Blonde Ponytail said...

LOL!! Having visited Fee-NIX as often as possible, this navigation is completely accurate!

Good luck on 1/16!! RUN EMZ!!!

Jason said...

Oh.Day.Made....An EMZ post!

I just played a game and replaced anything that had to do with driving to running.

For example, the min. acceptable speed limit is 85 and on the 101 you are expected to go that fast.

Well on the treadmill the minimum speed is 8.5 but you really should be going 10.1

Now I know why you are so fast. Plus you follow rules.

Karen R said...

LOL! So funny :)

Hope you are having a great time with family in town!

Hannah said...

I was sooooo close to doing the Desert Double Down - and then I realized my husband will be out of town during that time. Booooooo!

Loved the post. So funny!

Mandi said...

Love it!! All is soo true!!

Can't wait for RnR 1/16!! You are going to rock it EMZ, I will follow your dust! :)

MelBird said...

Sounds just like Sydney!!! I hope you had a great xmas with the family
xo

Shawn said...

I did not realize they had a University course...a PhD of Feeeeeenickssss...holy crap...remind me if I ever get there to look twice for big trucks and cell phone moms before I cross the street!!!1

Sarah said...

I drove through there in the middle of the night once. Sounds like my timing was perfect!

Patrick Mahoney said...

Don't you have a driver though?

Emz said...

Patrick. Shhhh. That was our secret.

Gracie (Complicated Day) said...

This was HYSTERICAL. Loved it!

Char said...

That's it! I'm never going to Phoenix - ever. But if I accidentally find myself there I promise not to drive.

Christi said...

That sounds a lot like Colorado driving!

Patrick Mahoney said...

ok. my. bad.

Emz said...

Char. Just call me. ;) I'll be your personal tour/drive guide. You have a 80% chance of not being shot, that way. ;)

TRI714 said...

and they have cameras mounted on the freeways. Got a ticket flying through there one night, err morning and they were kind enough to mail it to me. I was kind enough to refuse to acknowledge it was me and they squashed it. yeah me !!

OH AND GOOD LUCK SUPER RUNNERS !!

racing dawn said...

Good thing I have you down there...they'll have the course marked for the race right? I'm not gonna get shot during the marathon? You better keep those middle fingers in your pockets... I think I'm going to have to mentally prepare in a hole different way for 1.16... :) Sheesh...

Emz said...

Dawn. Hilarious. I'll try but...ya never know when those babies will fly.

Tri--- umm ya. No worries anymore. They [cameras] have all been removed. Probably due to people like you. ;) I sincerely thank you. :)

Kate said...

Well gosh darn it! I want to be there! I feel like I am completely missing out.

We've missed you in blogland!

Adrienne said...

Ya, $$$ spent on cameras down the drain. Of course all the locals know to just ignore the tickets that come in the mail. Then they try to "serve" you in person but after not answering the door 3 times they put it in the circle file and your good to go.

This post was hilarious.

Emz said...

Kate. Thanks!!
Trust
Me
I've
Missed
Blogging
A n d
You
All
WAY
More.
Holy. Freaking. Cow.

Adrienne-you know the trick too?! ;) love it.

Jill said...

I wanna go to Phoenix - no to drive but to run :(.

Jamie said...

This is true, but it's worse in Tucson as you may know. Less freeway. Very frustrating.

Jamie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shawn said...

Hey...is secret Santa follower coming to Feeenix for the run??? He better put some sunscreen on or it will be nasty and not a bit nice!!!!!!

Pam said...

LMAO. Awesome. Just awesome.

Jenn said...

Hilarious! Did you come up with that! Way too funny!

Emz said...

Jenn. It was a joint effort between myself & a friend who had recently moved here from Tucson. ;)

Jeff - DangleTheCarrot said...

"12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands."

This one made me laugh ... think I am really missing summer.

XLMIC said...

Ha! I would do sooooo much better driving in Phoenix than I do here in Northern California!

I'll be thinking of you lots as this countdown continues!

Johann said...

Ha, I'll need to keep this for when I go to Phoenix to run ATY 24 one year. 16 Jan is so close! Exciting stuff!

Silly Girl Running said...

Ha!

1. Now I have to come to Phoenix anytime soon!
2. Phoenix = Amsterdam. I'm sure. Driving in Amsterdam might be even worse...

Teamarcia said...

Aw I love Phoenix and wish I were running there on 1/16....maybe next year...
Happy New Year!

Matty O said...

HAHAHA @ Patrick... "Don't you have a driver?"

Too Funny.

Tapering yet? Is Ed missing you yet? haha.

Liz said...

holy god. i didn't think anything could be worse than the d.c. area. apparently i was wrong. i think i would be one of the drivers shot within 10 seconds. i honk at everything!

Emz said...

Liz- pita is a honkey too. ;) just make sure you pack heat. ;)

MO - what is this "taper" you speak of? Have 16-18 this Friday then I'll think about adding the T word to my vocab. ;)

RunningLaur said...

#7 - when I was at PHX yesterday, and all of the cones and barriers and flashing lights at the economy lot had been removed, it was the most. confusing. thing. ever. Just lines. Painted on the pavement. And a stop sign. So. Weird.

WHY does the 153 exist? really?!?

Also, I had 4 people in the last 4 weeks tell me that I was 'clearly from Phoenix' because I call every road "the" whatever now. The 10. The 101. The 143. It's what we do.

Amanda - RunToTheFinish said...

FEE-Nicks sounds an awful lot like miami with your roads, traffic and such

Jen said...

Love it! The constant construction reminds me of Utah. It NEVER ends. Ever.

Lindsay and James Cotter said...

haha, awesome and so true! We have family friends there and it always a nightmare driving! Especially in the summer!
LC

Caratunk Girl said...

Emz

You freaking rock. SO FUNNY. Thank you for the smile.

termite said...

damn. :( i'll be in Mississippi doing their marathon.
reading your list, sounds like it could be New Orleans. :)

xo
do well, chica! FINISH STRONG!!

The Hungry Runner Girl said...

YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!! I don't know if I could handle all the rush-hour traffic! Thanks for helping me with my pronunciation! Potholders on your hands...hilarious!

Jamoosh said...

"If someone in a Toyota or Honda actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated'....they never use them on purpose. Ever."

Obviously those cars were not made in Texas!

Stacie said...

This post is AWESOME :) Love it! Wish I was coming for the RNR.

Marlene said...

That's not confusing at all!

P.S. Two weeks to go!!!!